She was sent to prison for drunk driving. "I sat with killers and child killers"

You have undoubtedly analyzed hundreds of times at which point you made a mistake.

In junior high, I fell into very bad company. I was dating people who were even 15 years older than me, who drank a lot and often. At first it was stupid to say no, then I swam. I was able to come home drunk when I was 14.

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Parents did not react?

Most often they did not see. They were always at work, and I was alone.

'There were times when I went to a broken movie, and the next day someone sent in a video of me driving while sipping a beer' (Photo: Shutterstock.com)

You've been convicted of drunk driving. You miraculously didn't cause an accident.

Until I was imprisoned, I had no limits. There were times when I was drunk every day. It happened that in a broken film, and the next day someone sent a video of me driving, sipping a beer.

The first time the police caught me when I was 18. We were driving seven people and we saw that a police car was coming from the opposite direction. A buddy turned off the lights, I turned them on. It looked like we were signing the policemen.

How much blood alcohol did you have?

2.5. My father came for me and said only, "Don't tell my mother."

And that's it? Haven't talked to you?

This is the type of man who doesn't talk. I had a case in court and was banned from driving for a year, and a year and four months in prison, suspended for two years. After a year and a half, the situation repeated itself: I left the car on the side of the road and ran away from the policemen. They grabbed me and kissed me. Then my mother found out about everything. There was a brawl. I heard that for sure "I have such a shit after my mother". Because I was adopted.

Whose words came from?

From Dad. Whenever I did anything that wasn't his way, he would say: genes. And I believe that the child is the way it was brought up.

The case went to court and I was given a suspended sentence again, because the court did not find any recidivism. Two years later, someone noticed it and a letter came that I was sentenced to imprisonment.

How did you react?

I started shaking, crying, and then I said: I have to run! I left for Germany with a friend who later became my partner. And he started beating me, removing door handles, locking me. One beautiful winter morning, I escaped from there as I was standing. In the sweatshirt itself. When I got to Poland, I called the police. I said I was wanted by an arrest warrant.

Why did you call not your parents but the police?

I was afraid that this guy would find me with them, and I decided that if they locked me up, I would be safe.

How old were you when you were imprisoned?

26. First, they imprisoned me in Gdańsk for four months. Apparently, there was an overcrowding in Grudziądz, where I was supposed to end up. You had to wait for a seat.

When the bars closed behind you, did you realize immediately that she would spend almost a year and a half?

Instantly. I cried for four months.

'I had horrible notions of a prison from the movies, but it's nothing compared to what I saw' (Photo: Shutterstock.com)

There are very few female prisoners. They constitute less than 4 percent. Polish prisoners. Grudziądz is one of the largest prisons in Poland, where there is a large group of them.

I was taken there, the so-called pig transport. Usually, the inmates find out about the move the day before, and in my case in the morning guys wearing balaclavas suddenly burst into the cell and I had 10 minutes to pack up.

Why in balaclavas? I don't understand.

Me too. They probably like us being afraid. There is no rational explanation as to why four guys came after me - a slim little woman who did not cause any problems. I was shaking so much that I couldn't pack, the cell girls did it for me. We took the bus for several hours with one stop, but I don't know where as there were no windows on the bus.

I had terrible notions of a prison in the movies, but that's nothing compared to what I saw. It's terrifying out there. The atmosphere is such that when a person enters, he is immediately instinctively afraid. There are so many bars! It smells like a cheap floor cleaner. There are drafts everywhere, so it's cold. Awful!

What does the cell look like?

I sat in a few. The smallest was two and the largest seven. But I've heard that there are also 11-man goals. Metal beds. So green that it beats in the eyes. The walls and tables are green too.

I've read that because women take confinement so badly, the cells are kept open.

There are wards where this is the case from 6 am to 6 pm, but I ended up in a closed ward.

Why?

In the opinion from the psychologist it was written that I was depressed and I was facing suicide. Which is total nonsense.

There is a therapeutic ward for women addicted to alcohol. Shouldn't you go there?

I even asked the psychologist about it, but there were no places.

Who did you share goals with?

I sat with killers and child killers. Women who were written about in the media: the mother of a boy whose body was found in a pond, a woman from Puck, who tortured children taken into a foster family. She didn't have a life in prison. Prisoners called her whores and spat at every step. Then she ran to the tutor: "Ma'am! Why are they doing this?". She should answer this question for herself.

Were you afraid?

Not. You imagine a woman like a monster, but when you stay together, you think that if she's okay with me, then she's a friend. I have to live with her and I don't think about what or why she has done.

Only one was really scary: a huge woman, one hundred kilos in weight. She could say the guy she stabbed would kill him again. "I would like to correct him."

You're talking about infanticide. I know from a psychologist from Tworki that some say that they saw devils and killed children, trying to save them from them.

I was sitting with one who strangled the child and put the body in a toolbox. She walked around the prison and told everyone that she hadn't done it.

There was also a girl who didn't say anything at all, didn't wash or eat. She cried all the time. When I finally managed to get something out of her, it turned out that she herself did not know what she was sitting for.

'There are wards where from 6 to 18 the doors are open, but I found a closed ward' (Photo: Shutterstock.com)

Have there been any suicides?

In another cell, my grandmother had a cut. An ambulance arrived at night, and then they dragged one girl out of each cell to clean the corridor. It was all covered in blood.

What were the shortest sentences?

Three months. There was a Bogusława that a man would never have thought that he would meet someone like that in prison. At the requests to the director, she signed: "Master of Bogusław"! She had a short sentence. Eight months. For some kind of extortion.

I guess a prison is a place where you learn the rules very quickly?

Basic: what's in the cell stays in the cell. Even when there are quarrels, wars, God forbid, no one should be told anything, because they will make hell out of life! The girls are really cruel. They can pee to drink, spit on food. They said to one girl that they would put a plastic bag on her head at night.

Did someone act this way towards you too?

Not. They did not want to have any conflicts with me, because I received transfers from my mother and I always had cigarettes. And in prison, if you have anything, that is respect.

How do you know who is sitting for what? You enter your cell and say: good morning, I'm Patrycja, did I drive drunk?

Usually, that's what they say: show the papers. And each of them also immediately pulls out their own thing, and you know everything. But there is also a rule that sentences are not discussed.

And you can't smoke when someone is eating.

And you don't go to a toilet that doesn't have a door? How in the movies?

There are walls and doors! Only without a key. And there's a sink inside too.

From what I've read, women are so much better off than men that they have access to hot water every day, and to a shower twice a week. And they get not 100, but 200 grams of soap.

And tiny shampoos. You also get a tiny bottle of washing up liquid and two rolls of gray toilet paper.

Is there a huge canteen where everyone eats?

Not. Meals are brought in and eaten in the cell.

Sometimes politicians or social activists throw slogans that prisoners eat better than children in orphanages.

This is definitely not the case! Let me cut off my hand for it. The bread is always old. Disgusting. In addition, you get a cube of the cheapest margarine that cannot be eaten. For a whole year and a half, I didn't get a slice of cheese. Only mortadella over and over again, or half a cube of cottage cheese.

What is it all about?

In uniform: green pants, green sweatshirt and gray jacket.

Can women wear makeup?

Sure! You can buy both hair dye and nail polish in the canteen. Some of the girls were always peckish. The red blouse must have been sticking out from under the uniform! But I didn't really wear my makeup. What if I lie in bed all day after that?

To lie in bed and what to do?

Anything just not to think. I tried to sleep as much as possible. And I've read 400 books.

What about other women?

They also read, did crosswords, some of them embroidered or embroidered.

And the yard?

A whole bunch of people come out at him at once! "Do you have a cigarette?", "How is your sitting?" I hated it because I'm an introvert. I'd rather be in a cell with the girls I knew.

You don't talk about convictions, but about living in freedom, probably right?

We played truth or dare every night and learned a lot about ourselves: how we lived, what we did. We asked about guys, about sex. To have a little fun.

'Sometimes at night you can hear people cry in the hallway' (Photo: Shutterstock.com)

Can you have marital sex on visits?

There is a recipe that you can, but no one has ever agreed to it.

There is a lot of talk about prison rape. Do women hurt themselves this way?

Absolutely not. But there's a lot of lesbian relationships out there. These women may not be homosexual, but when they get a very long sentence, they do it with each other because of lack of lacquer. As long as they didn't bend, and it didn't bother me that much, I didn't pay attention to the fact that they were having sex.

Have you ever cried at night? "Why did I do this?"

Sometimes at night you can hear people crying in the hallway.

Screams: "Let me out. This is a mistake"?

Too. But then you could hear "niggers" walking, that is guys in balaclavas. And it was already quiet. Everyone in the prison service has an identification number on their clothes. They do not. They are there to beat us, blackmail us, threaten to kill us, and nobody will do anything about it, because they will write suicide on the papers. Twice a week there are so-called seething as they check for forbidden things. The regulations say that they have no right to destroy things, but sometimes they tear their clothes.

Have you witnessed violence?

More than once. Jesus! Once I look, the "niggers" go to the cell where the girls are arguing. They pulled one out, shot her in the face. And once, when they were leading one, she was pissed and so beaten that she didn't have the strength to walk. It was "lifetime", it's been in the twentieth year. I heard about "sounds" from her. This is a double walled room where they pour into the unconscious.

Have you seen this place?

Not. But I heard from the girls that they were cleaning up there and more than once there was blood on the floor.

These could be prison legends. You said "life sentence". Did the women secretly?

Not.

But there are words that only female prisoners can understand. Do you say "key"?

It is said "ward" or simply "reptiles". And for the shift commander - "chief".

What does rehabilitation look like?

I had a mandatory anti-aggression course - that's what it was called, from what I remember. We met a few dozen people in the common room and talked about everything and nothing. We played board games ...

Board games on a course that was supposed to prevent aggression?

Yes. There are also conversations with a psychologist. The day before, a piece of paper is given at the roll-call. But it is not always possible to meet, because there are two or three psychologists in the whole Grudziądz prison.

After all, there are over one and a half thousand people sitting there!

Therefore, the meeting lasts 15 minutes. I found a great psychologist. She laughed that when she came to work she had a million pieces of paper from me asking for a meeting.

Did these conversations help you in any way?

Yes! That's why I would like to find her (cry) because she could help me in a normal life. I came out of prison as a completely different person, and that is her merit.

What was the most important thing you heard from her?

That I should stop looking at others! And I always pushed myself to the background, so it was very edifying for me. I also had a nice tutor who previously worked in an orphanage. Angel woman. So far I have contact with her.

And with any of your fellow inmates?

With one girl. She had six more years left.

What was she sentenced for?

For hacking a master on the plots with an ax. She told me this story: he wanted to rape her, she ran away, then her guy found out about it. They came back together and he started hitting him with the ax. But in the trial, she said it was her because she wanted to protect her boyfriend. I believe her.

And I try to imagine life in prison all the time. And I can't.

I don't think anyone who has survived it can imagine it.

'We met a few dozen people at the common room and talked about everything and nothing' (Photo: Shutterstock.com)

Are the days or the nights the worst? I wanted to ask a stupid question, maybe weekends, but in prison every day is the same ...

Weekends are the worst! During the week, the class teacher walks around the cells, he will talk for at least five minutes. And there is no one on the weekend. There is no waiting for anything.

Did your mom visit you?

Whenever she could, that is twice a month. She cried and apologized to me that it was all her fault. She spent tens of thousands on lawyers to get me out sooner. But it didn't work.

Did you call home?

Daily. The phones are tapped and the ward laughed at me because I asked: "Turn on the speakerphone and put the dog to the ear." I grew up with animals: I spent most of my time in the company of our dogs, cats and parrots. I love all animals, that's why I graduated from a veterinary technical school.

Were you counting down the days until you left?

Every evening I crossed out how much I had left in my notebook.

And you dreamed that what would you do after leaving?

First, I wanted to bathe, eat and sleep!

Because baths are shared in prison? Shower next to the shower?

Exactly. And only seven minutes is the water. It was humiliating for me, that shared bath. Same as controls.

What controls?

When it was kipisz, they also took us to the so-called personal control. We had to strip completely naked and crouch and cough. In this way, it was checked that nothing would fall out of any of the holes. For example, there were three ward ladies and they could laugh: "Take your tits up, they are falling". Terrible.

Terrible. I am sure you remember the day when the bars opened for you.

I have thrown all my things in the trash. And at home I couldn't find my way. I let the water out of the bathtub and poured a new one. The stench of prison follows you. It's hard to wash off.

Were you crying in that tub?

Not. It was already a joy! I couldn't wait to change into my fresh clothes and leave the house.

And where did you go?

To the shop. I bought a can of cold cola.

I was relieved that no alcohol.

No, alcohol is not anymore. I will never repeat those mistakes.

How many years has passed since the day you were released?

Almost two. But I still dream about it all. I wake up at night and make sure I'm home. I touch the walls because in the prison they are painted with oil paint which is slippery. I often wake up screaming.

I'm not surprised.

In prison, when you leave your cell, you have to face the wall. Once, when I was free, I left the doctor's office and stood in the corridor. Or I wake up at 6:15 am in the morning and make my bed amused. As if there was to be an appeal.

Do you have psychological support?

I live in a very small town and I don't have that option.

Does everyone in this small town know you've been in prison?

Virtually no one knows. My parents said I was abroad.

How is your life today? Do you work as a veterinary technician?

Only occasionally, if I need assistance with treatments, because I'm on maternity leave. I got involved with a childhood friend and I gave birth to a baby girl six months ago.

When you talk about the baby, your voice changes immediately!

I love her the most in the world. I want her to have a better childhood than I had. So that she would never have to cry in the corners and ask for attention.

The latest news, moving stories, interesting people - you can find it all on Gazeta.pl

* Name has been changed.

Anna Kalita . A graduate of political science at the University of Wrocław, journalist. She collaborated, among others with "Gazeta Wyborcza" Wrocław, "Dziennik Polska-Europa-Świat" and "Dziennik Gazeta Prawna" and "ATTENTION!" TVN. In 2016, she was nominated for the Grand Press in the investigative journalism category for the material "Tu nie ma prawy", about the harm to alzheimer's patients in a nursing home, and in 2019 for the Teresa Torańska for texts about trafficking in newborns in the People's Republic of Poland. Contact to the author: anna.kalita@agora.pl.